Return of the Daily Smile

[Arma]

Today's pick :

Some years back...

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

...you just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

[Corwin]

We've got pages of these stored in the DS thread back at the Dot. Feel free to re-post them here Arma, you know where they are!!

 

[Arma]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on; very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

 

[Arma]

Top Ten Reasons Why the Main Characters in LOTR Aren't Women


10. Gollum would have realized that Bilbo wasn't talking about a riddle when he said, "What have I got in my pocket?"

9. Boromir wouldn't have been killed by Orcs. He would have dodged the arrows.

8. Bilbo wouldn't have given the ring to Frodo (a lady never leaves pretty jewelry behind).

7. Gandalf would have been smart enough to realize that Saruman had become evil.

5. Boromir wouldn't have fallen to the power of the ring. She would have more sense than that.

4. All the robes of the Wizards would be more exciting colors like pink, purple, blue, fuscia, perriwinkle…

3. We still wouldn't be able to tell Dwarf men from Dwarf women. ("It the beard!")

2. Aragorn would've had to turn from the path of being Queen of Gondor, which is much harder to do.

And the number one reason why the main characters of LOTR aren't women:

1. Isildur would've been smart enough to throw the ring into Mt. Doom in the first place.

 

[titus]

keep them coming, they are great and fun to read

 

[Arhu]

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

[Korplem]

Kind of an old one here:

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a 3½" floppy.

 

[Arhu]

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, utter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.

 

[Arhu]

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

 

[dteowner]

An oldie but a goodie for y'all...

"Donkey Racing in Texas"

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in a race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep the the Preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in third. The next day, the daily racing form carried the headline: "Preachers Ass Shows."

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read: "Preacher's Ass Out in Front."

The Bishops were so upset with the kind of publicity that the ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass."

This was simply too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the donkey. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The next headline read: "Nun has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headline read: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read: "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

 

[Jaz]

My friend Tina (the sporty type, with very short hair) teaches at an elementary school. Last week a new kid asked her:
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ms. B., your teacher."
"Are you a man or a woman?"
"A woman."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yeees."
"Will you bring them with you tomorrow?"

 

[Corwin]

Both-Brilliant!!

 

[Arma]

Two Books

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

 

[Haitham]

- All i read so far are brilliant and funny..

I think the most realistic & brilliant is:

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is alot pretty alot of similar sayings from Arabic language but it's damn hard to translate with the same meanings.

 

[Cm]

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I

said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent

on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

[Khass]

Would a troll cut travelers some slack if they figured out that you could actually just wade through the river to the other side? I mean you can see the troll under the bridge.. its RIGHT THERE. You know its there, it knows you are there, you both know that other knows that you are there.

traveler: "umm troll?"
troll: "..."
traveler: "don't pretend you aren't there. Im looking right at you"
troll: "im a rock"
traveler: "rocks dont talk"
troll: "doh"
traveler: "yeah.. anyways can i cross this bridge?"
troll: "if you want"
traveler: "just like that?"
troll: "well if you try i'll eat you"
traveler: "ah, i figured as much. what if I pay you?"
troll: "i could get the money anyways if i eat you. You cant bribe me"
traveler: "hmm... and if i just cross the river here to the left of the bridge?"
troll: "hmm... I suppose you could try that. If the current pushes you under the bridge though, i'll eat you."
traveler: "fair enough.. hey wait.. what if i cross here to the right, downstream?"
troll: "hmm.. actually I hadn't thought of that. Hang on lemme check my guide"
*pulls out the bridge trolls handbook and begins to thumb through*
troll: "hmm... demons.. dervishes... dinturans.. dragons... hmm... the handbook doesn't seem to cover anything about downstream"
traveler: "so i could cross downstream?"
troll: "oh, heres something under C for chasing.. bleh, Im not chasing anyone downstream"
traveler: "so you are an unmotivated troll?"
troll: "ah dont get me started..."
traveler: "well ok, Ill cross over there then. Good luck with the bridge thing"
troll: "alright.. try not to splash too much though. Im gonna take a nap"

.. It could happen, right?

 

[Cm]

Originally posted by Corwin.
______________________________________________
What did I say about men and women never being equal?

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,
sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!

 

[xSamhainx]

awesome

I dont know if pics are allowed of this is purely jokes thread.

Made me smile anyway!

 

[titus]

I don't mind the pic, it is awesome, but real funny

 

[Corwin]

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!