Return of the Daily Smile

txa1265

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Going crazy with confusion
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
 
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Khass

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Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!

Took me a minute to get it, too. It's good ol' Mario! :)

Notice the ? blocks, the gold coins and carnivorous plants in the back.
 
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xSamhainx

Paws of Doom
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actually the whole pic wouldnt display, so if you save it and open it up you can see the entire thing. There's the gold coins and all that, makes for a good wallpaper!
 
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Cm

Sentinel of Light
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Paxil CR and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

And, if I sent this to you before, I'm sorry. Achieving inner peace makes you forget things.:S
 
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Khass

Watchdog
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How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich.

The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:

# 5 across the eyes
Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy.

#
The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

#
The yard stick. Or for those of you who don't use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.

#
The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

#
The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

#
The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

#
The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

#
The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

#
The cane intercept. If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.

There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me. Here's how to tell if you've fulfilled your obligations as a parent:

beatkid4.jpg

Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.
 
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titus

Substitute Shinigami
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Dammit for asecond i was afraid you were being serious.
although I agree thaat a decent hit should be done and not all that psycho shit always. but this was going way too far if you read it while you are thinking: he means it :D
 
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lostnumber

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Maddox is a damn good read, he even has a book out now. If anyone is interested just do an "I'm feeling lucky" google search for maddox and read away. *Warning* If you would describe yourself as easily offended it would be best to stay away.
 
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Corwin

On The Razorblade of Life
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Perfect Parenting!! :biggrin:
 
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dteowner

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I thought this was a joke thread, not solid parenting advice.
 
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Cm

Sentinel of Light
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One from Bart

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
 
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Wulf

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It's surprising how many gamers like to cheat with their games. Here's just a few example of games cheaters excuses.

1. [The ego maniac] - I am a cheater, i always cheat, it's the way i play so there - o.k!

2. [The loner] - I want to be the most powerful hero early in the game so i can tell all my friends.

3. [The weekling] - The furry fluffy animals are so strong i cannot stay alive so i cheat.

4. [The liar] - I want to be a games developer, i am experimenting with the files.

5. [The masochist] - I get a feeling of great power knowing other players are struggling while i cheat.

6. [The pc-technician] - Well er'...(cough) my pc is playing-up so i have to cheat or not play at all.

7. [The failure] - I cheat as a relaxing therapy to overcome the complexities of life.

8. [The economist] - Each time i cheat i put money in the kiddies piggy bank so i am helping them.

9. [The two-timer] - My wife and i compete to see who cheats the most, it helps keep us together.

10. [the hopeless] - I can't help it, i was born this way.
 
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Jaz

Play nice.©
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That's me!
 
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Corwin

On The Razorblade of Life
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To be correct grammatically, it should be 'That's I' :)
 
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Jaz

Play nice.©
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Oh, okay... that's I. :D Grammar Nazi!
 
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Corwin

On The Razorblade of Life
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You vill speak good English and you vill ENJOY it!! :biggrin:
 
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Cm

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Just all be glad they have a spell check option or Corwin would be on you for that as well. :lol:
 
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Bartacus

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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
 
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