Advice? How to deal with a situation of loss

[ElderGnome]

Both of you would probably benefit from a psychiatrist - your friend to figure out why some of her (very alarming) symptoms are so bad. She likely needs counseling and medication. Without it, she may be a danger to herself or others - or simply live in misery in the best case scenario. For you, therapy would likely help you figure out how to handle this loss in your life.

When my friend died around fifteen years ago from a drug overdose I found that professional help went a long way in helping me deal with it.

 

[Elel]

Eye and fluent, I want to hug both of you *hugs*. I believe a hug speaks better than a thousand words, it's usually what I do when I feel like words fail. You two went through such terrible things. Thank you for writing about that here, you're both very brave to share so openly. And fluent, yes your story was helpful. It's so close to what I experienced, except that thankfully it ended better for you and your mom. But I'm sorry you had to go through it, and you must've been terribly scared later that it might repeat once again.

I experienced something very strange myself and believed I was insane for years, but later I was tested with various tests and told that I was not and it's either epilepsy (without grand seizures) or one of so-called "conversion disorders". Basically I had very vivid fake memories (and confused them with reality), visions, short lapses in memory, and on top of that a couple of cases of temporary loss of speech and temporary paralysis. These symptoms led the psychiatrist I consulted to suspect epilepsy. I don't yet know the truth, the EEG appointment is on Tuesday, and then I'll need to visit a couple of doctors, including an epilepsy expert, to know what's going on for sure. I hope it's a conversion disorder (that's when a psyche manifests a set of fake neurological symptoms) rather than real epilepsy as it's supposed to be treated well through psychotherapy, but the chances are low, as I had one very precise epilepsy-related side-effect (a scintillating scotoma) without ever knowing a single thing about epilepsy. I doubt my psyche could "fake" something it didn't know about.

Basically I know what it means to think you're insane, even though now I know I'm not (although I'm not 100% mentally healthy either, even if it's "just" a personality disorder). I know how scary it is, how you feel that your own mind, the thing you always took for granted, can betray you. So Fluent, if you ever want to talk about mental illness, my PM box is always open.

Eye
Fluent

 

[Elel]

Both of you would probably benefit from a psychiatrist - your friend to figure out why some of her (very alarming) symptoms are so bad. She likely needs counseling and medication. Without it, she may be a danger to herself or others - or simply live in misery in the best case scenario. For you, therapy would likely help you figure out how to handle this loss in your life.

We've been seeing psychotherapists for months, both of us. She… even for years, I believe. She tends to change them. I really hope her current one knows what's wrong with her, the previous one obviously didn't, as she tried to diagnose her with borderline PD. She's incredibly good at keeping quiet about her delusions. Even now I alone know that she considers her friends and family spies. She didn't ever share with others. Like that one time when she had a delusion about all people capable to see through her clothes? Of course she didn't tell it to her therapist, only to me. This is really sad. I tried to suggest to her to share this information many times, but she believed her doctors were spying on her even back then and didn't deserve trust.

I can't even imagine how she feels now when she doesn't have me. Nobody to share with at all. I can only hope that it doesn't make her suffer more. And it's ironic that I always thought she needed me. Now I realize that by the looks of things, I needed her more than she needed me.

And you're right, I believe talking to my therapist will be helpful for me, it's just that right now it's impossible, I need to wait for a few days more till it's possible.

 

[Deleted User]

Wow. That must be incredibly scary to go through. My thoughts are with you and I hope it turns out for the best.



I can't lie. Thinking back on my experience and talking about it is still a bit frightening. I was so unbelievably scared at the time. The world I was experiencing was no longer the world I'd known for my entire life. It is beyond anything I can put into words.

Over the years after it happened I started to trust my mind a bit more. It is a constant healing process. I took anti-psychotic, anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for 6 years after the incident. Due to other mental health issues, I ended up missing 6 months in a row of appointments recently. They kept refilling my pills anyway, but then finally completely cut me off. So, I had to quit "cold turkey" the psych medicine I was on.

I do not suggest anyone do this without oversight by their doctor! Ever!

For me, it was a blessing in disguise, as I feel a bit more alive and better than I have in years. Don't ask me how. Somehow these various miracles happen in my life.

I think my mom is secretly an angel, because she helped me so much through all these challenging times!

Many people absolutely need continued medication to prevent a relapse, so please, if you're reading this and are on psych medication, do not stop it without consent from a doctor!

But I think seeking emotional therapy can be a good start to recovery. Seeing a psychiatrist as well, who may suggest certain pills that you may benefit from, or at least want to try. There are so many success stories of people finding a medication that just changes their lives and works wonders for them, as well as therapy working great in people's live as well. So there is much hope for you to feel better.

 

[Deleted User]

Sorry, my response was written and posted before I saw the last post of yours, Elel.

 

[Elel]

Fluent, there's no need to apologize. I understand. And your advice came in handy anyway, I currently happen to be guilty of having stopped to use anti-depressants that were prescribed to me. You shamed me so well that I just fixed that!

Again, if you ever want to talk, my PM box is open. Thinking that you can't rely on your mind anymore is a very special kind of fear. It's completely unimaginable to people who haven't experienced it. Everybody takes their mind for granted.

I'm a bit worried about you stopping to use medication, though. You may indeed feel better for now, lots of pills have side-effects that dumb down emotions, etc. But you should take your own advice and at least go back to seeing your therapist as soon as you can.

 

[Deleted User]

I didn't mean to shame you into taking them. Errr. I'm just saying, it is generally taught by medical professionals (which I am not!) that if you've been taking psych medicine for a long time, to suddenly stop taking it can be dangerous.

Would love to chat with you sometime. Feel free to also add me on Steam, if you'd like. - fluent2332 .

I am going to see a therapist sometime soon, just been procrastinating. The hardest thing for me is keeping my appointments.

 

[Corwin]

It's difficult for me to offer advice over the net because I am a Christian minister and I usually help people by using the Bible as my basis for help. However, here I make a definite point of not pushing my personal beliefs unless clearly asked to do so. Having said that, concerning your 'friend', my daughter had a very similar experience with someone who was not only a very close friend, but who was sharing accomodation with her while they were at university together. It got so bad that they couldn't even be in the same room and eventually the other girl moved out. Later it was discovered that she had a severe bi-polar disorder and was really not in control of her emotions. Once the doctors were able to get her on the correct meds, she reverted to her old self and now the two of them are back to being friends.
For yourself, remember that in God's eyes you are special. You are unique and of great worth. Everyone has great worth just because THEY ARE. As others have rightly said, try to get involved in activities you enjoy and SLOWLY meet some real people. I'd suggest using a local church, because that's how I function, but once again I don't wish to impose my beliefs on anyone. Just find some friendly people who will help you come out of yourself and help you grow into the person you are meant to be. Be kind to yourself as usually we are our own harshest critics. Finally, remember that people here are always available to offer whatever support and encouragement we can.

 

[Deleted User]

Beautiful post, Corwin. <3

 

[Caddy]

Deep down you know how to deal with a situation of loss. You did it here. You reached out to people by instinct. Just imagine each post here is a hug and support from separate individuals. I know that the feelings of loss and having someone who is irreplaceable, be gone is extremely painful. I PROMISE you those feelings will get better over time. I know that doesn't help right now, but just know that it WILL get better. Keep connecting with people. Even if you have to do it online, over time it will help you get through this. Also going on a pointless youtube video binge helps too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdOXjJjYE8g

As for mental imbalances, the best you can do is just be there for someone when they need it and don't try and fix them. But encourage them to seek help if they ask. I've had a few partners who have had bi-polar / manic depressive disorder as well as BPD, and what needs to happen is they need to voluntarily see someone who REALLY knows what's happening to them. Going to your generic family doctors, and her/him prescribing medication that might or might not work can make things worse. They need an expert psychologist (not psychiatrist) so they can use healthy tools like cognitive behavioral therapy, and if medication is needed, then they will be able to properly direct them.

 

[Alrik Fassbauer]

@Eye : Nice description - quite similar to what I remember my own depressions to be - that wa in the late 90s, Internet was just becoming "a thing", then. But, apart from University access, I couldn't access the internet, then.

Meanwhile I might perhaps be able to help in the case of depressions, I'm not able to help in any other kind of serious disorder, I think. It's because it's just too difficult for me to imagine what might help.

My last girl-friend (who lived a few hundred kilometres away, thus we couldn't see each other often) had an disorder I couldn't cope with, an disorder which made her become very impulsive at times, combined with an narcisstic part. That was something I didn't have experience with. I had to break from her, for my own safety.
Since I'm a more quiet and more logical ("thinker") type of man, I'm not much able to cope with highly emotional people.

If you need more social contacts yourself, then I recommend board games groups or other hobby groups. Best thing is : You are *not* evaluated as who you are - the *only* thing that counts is a) your hobby b) the fact that you are willing to play with others, so to say.

That can imho be a huge relief : NOT to be evaluated as a person …

That's my personal thoughts …

@Corwin : Very well written !

 

[Nyx]

Lots of great responses here already but thought I'd give my own too. I think a forum is actually a great place to start sharing emotions like these. Emotions can be extremely difficult to keep too deep and it does everyone a wonder of good to share it now and then. Eventually we need to talk about it too, and my recent experience with therapy has been very good. Just don't be afraid to ask for a new one if your current one doesn't understand you. My previous therapist was terrible and treated me just as a paycheck. Got a new one and my life is finally going forward again.

I'm struggling with a lot in my life, with heavy depressions and social anxiety among other things. This has led me to avoid a lot of my friends and as such lost a lot of contract with them. I'm also unable to school/work and have been home going for 4 years now.
Almost 8 years ago now I also had to deal with losing an extremely important friend of mine, and it was honestly the most horrible time in my life. I couldn't sleep and didn't eat. She was so important to me and I loved her to bits but one day it was all gone. I'd love to say it worked out fine in the end but life isn't a fairytale. I don't know where she is or what she does to this day and to be honest it still hurts. Then it happened again a few years later with another of my friends I considered one of my best. Again I'd love to say everything is better now but honestly its not so I think I'll stop there.

Thing is, sometimes things in life is beyond our control no matter how badly we want to change it. The best thing we can do is do our best to live on the best we can. Don't let things beyond our control bring us too far down. Sometimes things work out well, other times..well, there really isn't any other choice than to move on. Therapy is a good way to get help moving on, but as mentioned make sure you feel comfortable with your therapist and that you're treated like a person and not a paycheck.
Alrik mentioned board game groups, they are great fun if you're into games and a social hobby really helps put your mind at ease for a while. I personally also find writing to ease my mind, even if what I write is dark as fuck I always need to keep a pen and a piece of paper close.

Every experience, bad or good, shapes us as humans in a way. But only we ourselves can make sure it shapes us for the better even if what we experience is bad. Best of luck to you through all that is now and what the future might bring, hugs

 

[GothicGothicness]

Others have said so many good things I just have two things to add.

I think the key secret to live a happy life is to love yourself, if you do this you might even be confident around other people, and even if you're not you'll not be depressed. This is hard for many people to do, but it becomes much easier to love yourself, if you don't make it hard. Perhaps one very small good deed, or a kind word is enough to make you a little bit proud of yourself, and then you go on day by day doing that. I think you can actually love yourself for trying to help her even if you couldn't, or you can be proud of yourself for daring to post about this here. Once you start to love and get confident in yourself, it'll most of the time make it easier to be around others too. I think this song describes it best: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbp6W4N1N9s


Now to the second part of what I wanted to say, I don't know what possibilities you have. But it sounds like if possible you should find a way to get an income so you can move out of your mothers place and support yourself. Most of the time there is a way, almost everyone is good enough at something to make a living, but many people just don't know that.

 

[joxer]

I'm not a normal person so please just don't get angry.

If I understood the whole thing right, and I honestly didn't have the same thing going on in my life, only some similar, there is not much to say.
You won't get rid of emotions easily, not even if your brain kicks in the rational part. The part that says I don't need her, she doesn't need me - I don't bring her food, neither does she to me, why the fuss then.

There is no cookbook recipe here to deal with the pain. It's the type of a wound only time heals. So give it time. That's it, yes, I know I didn't help much. But when your thoughts return to it, let them through, let them roll, don't resist. Eventually they'll stop by themselves.

The thing is, everything comes back. Rarely anyone believes that, but it does.
It won't happen when you expect it, it will happen when you completely forget (and you will). Your friend, will eventually realize what she had lost. And will try to get you back.

Make the refuse card today and put it somewhere deep inside to use when the time comes.
You're in the time of need. A friend who doesn't understand that, and that's her, is not a friend at all. There is no excuse, a friend, even when angry with you, when disappointed, when mad, will still be a friend. Get out of your house, for a walk, for a coffee, for anything and meet some other random people. People you didn't notice before and people you did notice but didn't have time to chat with because… Well… Things like needs of your friend got in the way.
Yes I'm saying get a bit more selfish.

For the second part…
Get a job with decent income, it doesn't matter which one, a job is a job. If on your side cleaning streets or working in mortuary pays well, who cares, grab it.
After that, move out in some dump. Not a decent place, get a dump. You still need that experience. The side effect? A real friend won't mind you living in a dump and in fact will help you with paintjob and stuck windows (when possible).

As I said, I'm not a normal person so I just can't talk as if I was. I'm just saying what I'd want to hear from people if I was in your shoes.

 

[Pladio]

I have never been in this situation, so to be honest, my opinion may be very light touch as I do not understand your feelings.

However, I would recommend going out. Not for anything in particular at first.
Go out, walk around for an hour (if you are physically capable). And think about other things on purpose. For example, look at the houses and consider how different they look.

The idea is at first, to just get your mind away from the dark place you are in. Even if it's just half an hour a day. It is a moment to yourself, to lose yourself in some surroundings that are different.

Once you have that, it can be useful to start meeting people. There are lots of ways for this, but usually a good way to find people who share the same interests is via websites like meetup.com. I went on to a board game session once using that. It's fun and there are no long-term commitments.

However, you just get some people to talk to as well.

Hope this helps and good luck.

EDIT:

I second and third GG and joxer's advice of getting a job if you don't have one.
It will get you into new surroundings and let you meet new people too. Even if the jobs is at McDonalds. It's not about the money or prestige. It's about new surroundings in my opinion.

 

[Alrik Fassbauer]

I personally also find writing to ease my mind, even if what I write is dark as fuck I always need to keep a pen and a piece of paper close.

Exactly what I did when I had my time filled with depressions. You wouldn't want to read it, so dark it is. But then, there did come a few gems right out of it …

Best6 thing of writing is - in my opinion - : That it clears the mind. Once the pain is on paper, it's kind of gone from you. It's almost like some sort of shamanic ritual, I guess.

You can't ban every pain down on paper - but even KNOWING that you CAN DO IT, can be a great relief - why ? Because you retake control over your life again !

 

[Elel]

Thank you everyone. This thread is very helpful. I still can't make myself see anyone in real life, although I tried, but your words here provide some sort of important connection to people. They actually diminished my pain. I feel like I just have to wait till the emotions are over and then go on with my life.

As for getting a job good enough to rent a place, unfortunately my country is third-world, and there's no job I could get here that would allow me to rent even a room. Or rather I can rent a room, but in that case I'll have no money for food. Jobs just don't pay enough here. Unless you're a CEO of some business company, of course.

In heard that in other countries it's normal to live in a rented place, but not here. The third of the place I live in now is actually my own property. I looked into selling my part, but not only it's tricky without having other owners agree to it, but I'd feel bad selling my part to some happily ignorant person who doesn't know what to expect from life with my mother. If I ever sold me part I'd be the one responsible for making someone's life hell. Well, enough about that.

And yeah writing fiction helps somewhat. I too use this method when I have energy for that.

 

[pibbur who]

Yes, you've been met with a lot of empathy here. People are willing to help. Could you use that experience as an incitement to talk to real life people?

Just a hint.

pibbur who

 

[shaf]

I have also been in a similar situation and reconnected with the friend a few years later and still maintain contact.
People change and go through tough situations the best way of dealing with it is patience and time.
The best way I have overcome depression is to remain active and not isolate myself.

 

[Deleted User]

I'm struggling with a lot in my life, with heavy depressions and social anxiety among other things. This has led me to avoid a lot of my friends and as such lost a lot of contract with them. I'm also unable to school/work and have been home going for 4 years now.
Almost 8 years ago now I also had to deal with losing an extremely important friend of mine, and it was honestly the most horrible time in my life. I couldn't sleep and didn't eat. She was so important to me and I loved her to bits but one day it was all gone. I'd love to say it worked out fine in the end but life isn't a fairytale. I don't know where she is or what she does to this day and to be honest it still hurts. Then it happened again a few years later with another of my friends I considered one of my best. Again I'd love to say everything is better now but honestly its not so I think I'll stop there.

I'm sorry to hear this. I've been dealing with a similar situation for about 15 years now with severe social anxiety and losing all of my friends. Rather, leaving behind all my friends. Yes, all. I'm now 31 years old.

Perhaps I will go into much greater detail in a future post. Just know, I can definitely relate to your struggle and I wish you and everyone else who posted in this thread the best.

If any of you ever want to chat, please just message me on RPGWatch or add me on Steam for instant chat - fluent2332.