Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
Bartacus
BartWatch
Corwin, I always figured that one so old that he describes himself as "on the razorblade of life" would be called a grandpa.
Don CMeleone, I'm honored that I'm almost a member of the family.:lol:
Now a joke about politeness:
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Don CMeleone, I'm honored that I'm almost a member of the family.:lol:
Now a joke about politeness:
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Hummm, if you already have a trust fund, so you can give me money when I need it, a car so you can drive me to bingo and the store, and you are always ready to come over and wash the windows and cut the grass, I will add your name to the short list Khass. :lol:
Now our Joke for today: Caution, some may find the language a bit off.
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit,
find shit, forgetshit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bullshit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the
shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than
a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter
than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like
shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right
shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other
times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need
to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not
do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to
know that I dogive a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a
bunch of shit. But, ifyou happened to catch a load of shit from some
shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
dteowner
Shoegazer
*************FOUL LANGUAGE ALERT, F-BOMBs ABOUND*****************
Advance apologies for coarse language, but this is a natural followup to cm's. True story, as told by an English teacher of mine.
The most versatile word in the English language is fuck. This was proven to her by a young gent in the school parking lot who, faced with a car that wouldn't start, had the following thought:
"Fuck! The fucking fuck won't fucking fuck!"
You have here an exclamation, a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb all in one neat package. That's versatile.
Advance apologies for coarse language, but this is a natural followup to cm's. True story, as told by an English teacher of mine.
The most versatile word in the English language is fuck. This was proven to her by a young gent in the school parking lot who, faced with a car that wouldn't start, had the following thought:
"Fuck! The fucking fuck won't fucking fuck!"
You have here an exclamation, a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb all in one neat package. That's versatile.
Bartacus
BartWatch
An oldie from the Dot
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Some of these are familiar, but others I've not run across before:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace
(and elsewhere)!
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace
(and elsewhere)!
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Cm
Sentinel of Light
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Jaz
Play nice.©
- Joined
- August 31, 2006
- Messages
- 3,754
Then you should try my screensaver: a collection of bluescreens and error messages from all sorts of operating systems. Great to get a boss to shut up and let me continue my work.I haven't seen Abort, Retry, Fail, in years!!
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2006
- Messages
- 3,754
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
CM, you will love these!!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote contr ol for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a bo x of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
H e answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to! break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Footnote:
You know you're old when you bend down to tie your shoes & you think what else can I do while I'm down here.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote contr ol for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a bo x of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
H e answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to! break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Footnote:
You know you're old when you bend down to tie your shoes & you think what else can I do while I'm down here.
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Good ones magerette! One twist on the last one."You know you are old when you bend down to tie your shoes and you can't see them cause your boobs keep getting in the way." :lol:
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
While bending over the hot cereal, bad things can happen to areas that have been affected by gravitational pull--especially when wearing a thin nightgown. This is actually an old joke, about an old couple eating breakfast, but like many things, I've forgotten exactly how it goes.
This is actually an old joke, about an old couple eating breakfast, but like many things, I've forgotten exactly how it goes. - Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Ah, the light shines forth once more as understanding rears its head in the dim recesses of what CM calls my brain!!
Bartacus
BartWatch
Since the last few posts seem to go about old people...
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
And then instead of quotes a joke:
vThere was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
And then instead of quotes a joke:
vThere was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Cm
Sentinel of Light
@ Bart, those were great. Loved the old man at the end.
@ Corwin, I have NEVER accussed you of having a brain.
@ Magerette, that is when the duct tape use was first put into play. :lol:
Useless info:
At Three minutes and Four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be
02:03:04 05/06/07
This will never happen again in our lifetime.
Joke for the day:
A couple had a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the Dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers
"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God,
we took first and second place!"
@ Corwin, I have NEVER accussed you of having a brain.
@ Magerette, that is when the duct tape use was first put into play. :lol:
Useless info:
At Three minutes and Four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be
02:03:04 05/06/07
This will never happen again in our lifetime.
Joke for the day:
A couple had a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the Dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers
"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God,
we took first and second place!"
dteowner
Shoegazer
Ring ding diddle liddle laddie-o, ring die diddly eye-o, Ohhh, lad I don't know where ya been but I see ya won first prize!